Friday, January 29, 2010

i got the UQ Abroad condtional offer! :)

i have got the conditional offer to NUS for one semester exchanging program. UQ Abroad confirmed me, now left Business faculty's study plan approval, which i think its not a problem cause the courses i chose are kinda similar to UQ's.

hello people, CONGRATS ME!:) i love love love getting offer:)

but then.... i kinda changed my mind. i don't really want to go exchange already. somehow i kind of got the phobia of getting start all over again for adaption. thought of finding a part time job in aussie also.

how?? should i go?

dilemma sia.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

i am not happy today.

havent really write an emo post lately, but i cannot refrain myself from writing now, since blogging is the only thing i can do now to keep myself occupy and be alone.

i am upset.

havent really been this upset since i came back from aussie. relationship with the bf has been really really good these few months, not until yesterday. and today, we fought. like for so long we hadn't really argue, and today we did. guess i'm pushing our relationship too much, and pressurized him.

before i came back from aussie, we told each other that this three months in Malaysia, we have to be happy every single day. we have to give each other the best memories to sustain another year of LDR in 2010. we were really doing good, and i really saw his effort of making things right.

he said, lurve should be fair. and i am speechless.

Friday, January 22, 2010

ma famille.

i saw this in my dad's office yesterday.
it wrote:
To Dad:
This is a chik (typo: chick). haha.
From Ena
hahahahahahha i laughed so hard. okay fyi Ena is my youngest sis. and i told mom after that, and mom got jealous cause she doesn't have a chick from Ena. hahahahaha.

*****
This is me and my dad's msn convo. asking permission to go yumcha with the BFFs tonight. the dad has patterns, zui ger badminton :D

do i just brighten your day today? :D

Monday, January 18, 2010

yoohooooooo~ anyone hear me?!?! :Di've got the biggest accomplishment today! did not sleep for the whole night (okay slept for less than 30 min and was awaken by the bloody alarm) to finish 3 assignments. THREE. tiga. san. sa. sam. thankyou! :D i thought i am quite a champion:)

two more assignments to go, and i'm done with assignments this semester. yay yay cant wait! :)

i havent meet up friends for quite some time already. lifeless shit my life is just revolving around assignments, school, family, bf. okay fine bf cause of college, we don't even got chance to date now. :(

anyhow, this life is so much better than in aussie's. now got aussie-phobia i dont want to go back can or not? :(

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

just came back from mamak with dad and sis! couldn't really remember when is the last time we had mamak together but oh well, it's nice and i think leen will be so envy now. ngakngak:P

oi Tee Ee Leen. you one day want to check my blog for how many times? :P so to not disappoint you, thou shall blog more:) msn fever gone, call me sms me fb chat me if you want to reach me:D

assignments assignments assignments. i know my boring life is just revolving around this big word. i just want a pass for the business research course. like seriously, it's getting harder to pass. so many work to do, this is one hell of those ma fan course. research what???? pay RM1500 to take one working subject. gaaaaaaah. if only HELP doesn't have plagiarism detector. SIGHER.

why everyone is in CNY mood already? i haven't even get one new clothes yetttt. and by the time i finish up all assignments, its CNY already. how la like that??? sigh. say want to paint the wall, paint until few months already still havent buy paint. i am the championest champion T______T

self-reminder: next week is a big week with two major assignments to pass up. GO EVA, GO! :)

Monday, January 11, 2010

hello people. i shall start blogging like the way i blogged last year. counting down to the days left staying in Malaysia is one hell scary thing. can i not going back this fall? sigh.

i didnt change much. only dropped a few KGs, and pimples cannot stop growing on my cheeks and upperlip. very frustrated. no matter how much i ate, my weight still remained 41.5kg. grrr geram betul it makes me feel so sick. and each and everytime i stand in front of the mirror, and realise more pimples growing on my cheek. i feel like destroying the mirror. T________T i try to stop using concealer for a few days but the pimples grew even more. dont know what to do, SIGHER. maybe i have late puberty fml.

the missing assignment files made my assignment mood all gone. :(

something's hitting me badly inside. i have been in a deep-thinking mood lately. thought about future, thought about changing, thought about 2 months later, half a year later, and one and a half year later. i cannot concentrate though. i think i'm now starting my soul-searching kind of thing.

and i have been lying so much lately. i cant even differentiate yes and no.

but now i felt like i've grown up a lot. being in aussie for a year has changed myself so much. i am now a more appreciative person, a more thoughtful person, and a more thrifty person. even during the stay in malaysia these few months had made me think more maturely. and i know that when i cannot change how other thinks and how other acts, i should change my own thought. it's been easier for me and for the person in this way, yet this is one hell of way that worsen relationships.

studying in HELP is the best decision i've made so far in Malaysia. i've met some new nice friends, talked to so many classmates (though most of them only talk to me once), talked to stranger in public transport and only realise that she's one of my classmate:), and wake up early for 8am classes.

i am getting darker again. all thanks to the very hardworking sun. sigh.

lastly, meet my new love, Powder:)
it is just as big as my palm! my xmas present from the boyfriend and it makes sound! super cute, no?

Sunday, January 10, 2010

fml.

I haven't been in good condition lately. everything i do has barriers. everything.

and now that i have the FML-est moment today. the pendrive i used to save every bits of my assignments is found corrupted just now. EVERY BITS OF IT. more than 30 files of assignments from taylors, UQ, and now HELP. kaput.

very good of the timing. i have those assignments doing half-way and need to pass up within a week. so much effort sprinkled, so much edits have been done, and now they were no where to be found.

thank you brilliant people out there who created virus or whatsoever. thanks for making my life even miserable now.

ROAR.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Forgive and Forget.

Got this from Siew Ying's blog. thought it was really meaningful and decided to share with more people around. it's so touching, it makes me cry.

it's long, but worth reading.

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young.

Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.

I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets.

Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her.

For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure.

Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."

There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.

As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night.

I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him:
"What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.

In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.

That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out.

Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call.

I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life.

Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?

At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab.

At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house.

Maybe he really intends to leave me for good.. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."

I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My God, how could this happen?

Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside.

As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her... I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother..

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in.

I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all. Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death.

I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me:
Following mother's death so did our love for each other...

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.

I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.

As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other.

Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever.

We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him..

From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room.

He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh.

He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.

Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital.

Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.

Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.

Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.

Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion....

Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..."

From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:

"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face....

A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late."

This is a true story.

Moral of the story - Forgive and Forget. Appreciate your loved ones.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

color pencil is love:)

the sunflower is now no longer a sunflower. he's a color pencil!:) a purple one! hehe. and he revenged by naming me square shape. T___T i realise that we both are so childish and i can't believe i'm turning 20 in half year time. meh. :P

LW's brown corrector tone doesn't suit me. imma gonna try a new color mixture tomorrow:) but the Ivory concealer is just nice! suit my cheek's tone and now i don't need to apply foundation already. let my pores more breathable and i have thinner make up now!:D and it's so amazing when i actually applied purple and light green color concealer on my face without looking bad! they covered the red blemishes so well! :) can't wait to figure out new mixture on the dark eye circle area tomorrow!:)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Lise Watier Portfolio Concealer.

hello, this is so unbelievable!:)I've got this Lise Watier wheel concealer ALL THANKS TO XIN!:) now there's advantages to have friends studying at US you see. heh. too bad la Malaysian friends, you can't get this amazing concealer anywhere in Malaysia, and the online store is not shipping to Malaysia too. So get a US/Canada/Phillipine/Saudi Arabia friends to help you ship this baby back:) I got it for RM125 with postage in US, without postage to Malaysia. (my friend bought it online for me, and require some postage fee to her place, and during their semester break, a friend helped me to bring this baby back so i can save up the postage fee)

p/s: The Summer's Attic is selling LW concealer now. click here to see more info:)

i am currently using Bobbi Brown's corrector (Bisque) and Elianto's cream concealer (medium 01). surprisingly, both of them blend so well!:) Elianto is good as i'm using it for almost 3 years already. it outstands Bobbi Brown and MAC's concealer in coverage for my skin. BUT, cheap product is still losing in quality lor. Elianto can only be used in short duration, super not long lasting! and it melts so fast even my loose powder lost its effect. T____T so for example, when i'm applying the concealer in the morning, around afternoon my dark eye circles and pimples all are visible again. i look untidier than when i don't apply any makeups.

now you compare the size, and guess what? LW portfolio's price (i mean the price without shipping to Malaysia) is almost similar to one Bobbi Brown's concealer (not corrector ok. corrector is far more cheaper cause it cannot be used alone. BB corrector around RM85.) and its price is almost similar to Elianto's if you multiply the size of it. averagely, i use 2 Elianto concealers a year, and i think i can use LW for more than a year. see the size, and its thicker than the elianto's size:) i haven't start using LW so i cannot comment about it, but so far LW wheel concealer is among the best concealer in cosmetic fields. go google it and you will know:) and fret not about the 5 different color tones in the wheel. it's for five different way of conceal. i've learnt them from michelle phan! click here for her concealer tutorial:) heh. cant wait to use it tomorrow! :D

thank xin thanks xin thanks xin! i love you! :D

Monday, January 4, 2010

我已经伤痕累累

该死的蚊子们。T_______T